


Penis Fish, A Tale of Lost Love

by rellkelltn87



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Disgusting Imagery, Forgive Me, I'm Sorry, Penis Fish, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:07:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21935707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rellkelltn87/pseuds/rellkelltn87
Summary: Barba is trapped on a beach with thousands ofurechis unicinctus, the species of spoon worm colloquially known as the “penis fish." (Trust me, kids, you don't want to Google that.) This is basically a Twitter gag that went too far. Also, it's formatted as a TV script.Probably don't read this if you're squeamish about weird-looking aquatic life forms.I will escort myself out of the fandom now.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 27





	Penis Fish, A Tale of Lost Love

FADE IN:

EXT. A SOUTH BROOKLYN BEACH, 8PM, CHRISTMAS EVE, PRESENT DAY

BARBA saunters along the beach, half-bundled up in a camel coat. He looks out at the ocean; the tide is just starting to come in.

FLASHBACK TO:

INT. BAR, AFTERNOON, 3 1/2 YEARS AGO

BARBA and CARISI are laughing together at the bar after Dodds’ funeral. There’s a hint of guilt and sadness in their laughter. CARISI stops and rubs his eyes.

BACK TO:

EXT. BEACH, PRESENT DAY

BARBA, wistful, continues walking.

FLASHBACK TO:

INT. BARBA’S BEDROOM, 3 1/2 YEARS AGO

BARBA and CARISI are in bed, post-coital. BARBA runs a hand through CARISI’s hair.

BARBA

I know.

(CARISI nuzzles BARBA’s shoulder. The detective is still heartbroken, wracked with guilt over last week’s events.)

BARBA

I know.

(THEY kiss.)

BACK TO:

EXT. BEACH, PRESENT DAY

High tide and stronger waves are coming in. With one wave, an _urechis unicinctus_ , the species of spoon worm colloquially known as the “penis fish,” washes ashore, directly at BARBA’s feet.

BARBA shudders and keeps walking.

Moments later, a second penis fish appears at Barba’s feet.

FADE TO:

EXT. BEACH LITTERED WITH THOUSANDS OF PENIS FISH, PRESENT DAY

BARBA is somewhere between the ocean and the boardwalk, frantically searching for a way out. Everywhere he turns is another penis fish. There are at least a thousand squirming, body-horrific penis fish surrounding him.

FLASHBACK TO:

INT. BARBA’S LIVING ROOM, FEBRUARY 2018

Barba’s apartment is half-packed. CARISI stands near the door, which is open.

CARISI

You know what/

BARBA

Stop. You don’t understand/

CARISI

Don’t tell me what I don’t understand, Barba. I looked up to you.

BARBA

Maybe you shouldn’t have.

CARISI

Yeah.

(Csrisi turns to leave.)

CARISI (CONT'D)

Yeah. Goodbye, Rafael.

(CARISI EXITS.)

BACK TO:

EXT. BEACH, PRESENT DAY

BARBA is still trapped amongst thousands of penis fish. Terrified, he now has nowhere to go.

He looks up towards the boardwalk and sees the shadow of a familiar noodly figure.

CARISI (CALLING OUT)

Rafael!

BARBA

Sonny! What’re you doing here?

CARISI

I live a block away.

BARBA

So this is just an extremely lazy, I mean, lucky coincidence?

CARISI

What other reason would I have to be here?

BARBA

Anni would have thought of a clever reason to bring you here. It would have been a tour-de-force.

CARISI

Who?

BARBA

I’m panicking here, Sonny!

CARISI

All right, all right.

(Carisi jumps over the railing, onto the beach, landing on several penis fish. BARBA shudders, suppressing a dry heave or three.)

BARBA

Thank you. I know you’re not a cop anymore and you certainly don’t like me, so this is/

CARISI

Shut up.

(CARISI steps on penis fish as he walks towards Barba. He’s suppressing lots of dry heaves too.)

BARBA

Why do they move like that?

CARISI

Shut up and let me rescue you.

BARBA

It’s as if some transcendental higher power designed the worst possible/

CARISI

D’you want me to rescue you, or d’you want me to vomit up three slices of pizza and run away?

(CARISI finally reaches BARBA.)

BARBA

I’m the one who runs away.

CARISI

Shut up.

BARBA

You’ve gotten mean in your old age, Counselor.

CARISI

‘Cause of you. You left without talking to me.

BARBA

We talked.

CARISI

Only ‘cause I showed up at your apartment uninvited.

BARBA

Sonny, please/

CARISI

I’m gonna pick you up, all right?

BARBA

I don’t think you can lift me.

(CARISI picks BARBA up, cradling him. CARISI slowly starts to walk back towards the boardwalk, stepping on penis fish the entire time.)

BARBA

I’m sorry. I love you.

CARISI

You’re just saying that because I’m rescuing you from thousands of penis fish.

BARBA

You’re an ADA now. You should be in the office, not having to rescue anyone from thousands of penis fish. Especially not me.

CARISI

What would you have done otherwise?

BARBA

Stayed here forever. Made friends with the penis fish. Become a penis fish.

CARISI

The girth’s about right.

BARBA

Sonny!

CARISI

Yeah, I know, once we get back to that Boardwalk, we never mention penis fish again.

BARBA

They’re so -- disembodied.

CARISI

Penis fish. (Pause.) I loved you, you know.

BARBA

I know.

(CARISI continues his slow walk to the boardwalk, carrying BARBA and stepping on penis fish, while “Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong” plays unironically on the soundtrack.)


End file.
